Breakfast, local delight, mama de taste.A rather gloomy morning, the weather is cool for the past 2 days, with frequent drizzling, and therefore i overslept for the 2nd time in the week.
I reached bugis at 930, frankly... ever since i know she is still working here to the end of the month, and now that shes all alone without her group of friends, i have been trying to bump into her for the past 1 week. I just want to talk to her... never had the chance... i believe that when it comes to pursuing your dreams, you have to work for it, fight when even there is only a slightest chance.
I've always try to walk slower after i reached bugis, en-routing myself hoping to catch her up somewhere. Its as usual today, i walked around in bugis junction, went to the gents, en-route for another 5mins, hoping to see any glimpse of her in the crowd. A usual disappointment, she's not here. I then take the shortcut from bugis junction to shaw, which i have to cut across the road as a jay walker.
The wind is cold today as i reached the road, i turn my head to the left to watch out for vehicles in order to cross the road. And to my great surprised, she stood right there beside me, in her usual hair style, with a new handbag. She hurriedly cross the road when it is cleared, and continue walking in a very fast pace. I caught up with her from the back and she seems shocked to see me. I tried to chat with her, after all i have been thinking of topics to chat with her for the past so many days.
She continued to walk in a very fast pace, i felt really dishearten, for she did not have eye contact with me at all. She continued giving me a very cold feeling on the way... i tried to maintain my smile and chat about her school, and work hoping to get her interest. But all i get is one word reply at times... why is she so friendly to everyone else except me... I really didnt see her smile for a long time.. am i the reason?
I failed to even see one of my superior in the lift when my eyes is all on her thinking what is she thinking. Finally at the door of my office, i blurted out, "cann iii uuu talk on msn?" she huh and i tried to swallow in my anxiousness to speak in a slower pace, " can i chat with you on msn?", she reply without much thinking "why? dont need la " in a casual tone, and proceed walking to her seat, i didnt had the chance to say another word... or was i dumbstruck.
I've got rejected..... a real indirect rejection, to even be a friend.
My heart just broke instantly.. am i such a bad person to even be a friend. For i have not try to express too much interest in the recent weeks hoping to just keep it low and simple. I just felt that i suddenly woke up in a pitch of darkness, lying on the wet but warm floor, filled with my blood. I am now crawling in my pool of blood, struggling from the pain.. My eyes suddenly felt hot... my cheeks went wet, am i that sad...
For the rest of the day, i didnt speak much, didnt do much work either, i tried to immerse myself into thinking about my work, but the question just keep popping up, that why am i rank so badly in her heart, someone who cant even have her msn.
A colleague noticed me, and asked me what happened. As i have been sharing with her all along, i told her about my feelings. She gave a great lecture to me, that if i ever notice what i am doing. To me, i might have been waiting all the while, trying to give her my care and concern at times, to her, i might be just one of her irritating suitor who gave her weird unpleasant surprises, scares her off from time to time, and keep appearing infront of her like a stalker. It might be a year to me, to her it might be only a day apart since i last approach her, because she doesnt have good impression with me.
She just told me off, that i need to respect the distance between girls. Be understanding that if she's not comfortable with me, i should stay away. It sounds so familiar, a few years ago, when i broke off with a girl whom i once dream of everyday, she told me the same thing.
People say distance makes heart fonder, but in this case, i am keeping distance to seek for forgiveness. I cant do anything to keep anything, not even keeping a friendship. Felt so depressed.
However i told myself, tears can flow just for today, i can only immerse myself in this sadness for just today. Tomorrow when i wake up, it will be a brand new day, and i will forget everything, work hard for the future. I will change my image, physically and mentally this time, be the smiley guy who once has his cheerful laughters. Hopefully, if there is fate, after years gone past, when i met her on the streets someday somewhere... she remembers me, and by then, we can be friends.... for she's just someone i wont forget.... no matter what happened... even if there's another arm holding this angel by then.
My most sincere wish....