Mood is getting really low after friday. Alot of things happened on friday, but i dont wish to go too much into details for sad things. Basically i had another private session with my boss, telling me that my performance was not very good these few months. Although he did told me that he had more positive feedbacks during the recent few weeks.
I was rather reluctant at first, wanted to tell him because i did not have interest with this job anyway. I am not happy, i felt left out by colleagues, felt unfair treatment, just never feel so alone. In the end i can say the colleague who knows me the best in the company and someone whom i can call friend is not in my department. I failed in trying to pursuit my happiness, tried too hard on something that is not going to happen, hurt so deep without knowing why.
Concentration for work is just not there when you are just so displeased in your heart. Then you feel very low in your confidence level, morale and passion is no longer there. I am just so tired, i need a break, need a holiday, to get off this stressful island, to recuperate myself. However none of my friends are free for a holiday, it is so frustrating.
Something that my boss said that make sense to me, "Try to look at things in a broader way, you may not like what you are doing now, you should still do it your very best, make the very best out of your stay here. In the end you will find out that actually you have learn a lot in your stay here, not something that can be taught in the classroom. Respect is something earned through your excel in your work, helping out your fellow teammates to make each other stay here happier."
I know that i am trying too hard, although i keep saying i just want to be a friend, but i think i am doing more than a friend will do to her. I understand clearly what she's trying to express, I am not that dumb, although i must admit i like her, and i know she think otherwise.
I think i have tried too hard to gain her trust back until now once she saw me walking to her, she thinks i am on a alter motive, when i am just trying to express concern as a friend. I finally realized, sometimes it just better to leave it alone. Maybe one day she will understand, maybe that one day will never come. But i guess i must take it easy, dont take it to heart anymore. Respect and trust is so hard to gain back when you made a mistake in the first place.
Another fall in the life, on my way to pick up myself. The last 6 months in my work, i will do it with my heart, i may not be passionate about my work, may not have interest, but i think i must at least make my stay here worthwhile and not giving anymore problems to the fellow colleagues.
I think we are always learning new things, exploring yourself deeper. Life is just a process to understand yourself. I am still learning.