Today is Tuesday....
不知是命运的安排还是不坏好意的玩笑. I met her on the way to work, its a Tuesday again.... Today is her last day of work, the real last day. I identified her easily from the crowd... she's just so special to me. I walked up to her and try to chat with her... Everything seems so ok, shes more accepting today than last week, we had more eye contact. I just felt that this might be my last chance, so i asked the question i wanted to ask for such a long time, after all these months, after the incident. The incident that cost her trust.. and i've been trying to earn back the trust for the past few months.
I asked her if i can have a min with her.. but the words doesnt seem to come out clearly through my mouth, for she was there "huh ?" a few times.. Things went a little awkward, as we continued walking, i am searching for my courage. Finally after crossing the road, at the base of shaw tower, i asked " ... today is your last day... , can i still keep in contact with you through msn, i just want to be a friend". She glanced at me, looking a little loss of words for a second. Then with her usual smile, she repeated the words which i heard last tuesday. "why? dont need la." and continued "friends, we are just normal friends, 普通朋友 can le, dont need to keep contact". My heart sunk deeper than the ocean... But still looking cheery, i smile at her, and asked "really cannot?", she went silent, looking away and shake her head.
I then asked her casually "are you afraid of me?" she looked alittle surpised this time, and said, "no la, we just keep it this way can le, friends.. " she keep stressing the word friends.... although i know she doesnt really mean it... for that we all know, friends do keep in contact..... we met a colleague at the lift lobby and she tried to change the topic by then.
I told my closest friends about this, they told me, she sound really cruel, and heartless. I cant helped but to disagree with them... The fact that she kept stressing the word "friends", i know she's a real nice girl... for she doesnt want to hurt me too much by using other hurtful words. And she's real nice to everyone else also.. sweet... kind hearted.. such a lovely lady.
After all these months i finally realised i am too persistent, giving her gifts... letters, notes, trying to express myself without thinking about how she might not like it. Like what my other friend said, i should respect her decision, give her the freedom, let her be comfortable. I've finally gotten the answer... She rejected me even as a friend, i know she dont want me to harbor any hopes on her, by not even giving me the slightest chance... Although she didnt know how much she crushed my confident, her intention is still good, i am still happy to meet this angel..
My concentration went to the bottom at work, i almost couldnt accomplished anything today. Luckily i see this coming, and tried to OT and finished up most of my work yesterday. At noon, i went for a lunch with my only buddy in the company, mr L. We chat alot, he joke alot, and shared with me his experience and point of view, sorta make me feel alot better. We then later queue up at the donut factory in suntec. I do not know what will she do to this last gift of mine... But just to give her my last gratitude... Since its really the last. I wanted to give her a blue berry donut, but it got ruined in the paper bag, without any choice, i gave her the only good looking chocolate with nuts donut.... hope she dont mind...
I place the donut on her table, with a small note. I then expect her to show up anytime to return me the donut... To my surprise, she really did show up....... with her signature smile that can warm anyone's heart and say a simple "thank you, thanks... i saw your gift", I smile... from my heart. Maybe this is really the last...
I waited, heart pacing fast. For the moment i feared is finally coming. Its 550pm, i spend 20mins practicing in my mind what i am going to say, for the last time. Took out my last courage, went up to her. "Hi ... i am here to bid goodbye" *shake her hands....* smile (trying hard), look into her eyes sincerely, and say "i am really very happy to know you", she reply a soft "byebye", smiling. I tried to chat more, more about school, more about any other things that i can think of, the script which i wrote before, practice before, i just couldnt remember. But she seems so accepting this time, she listened to me, answer me softly, i never had such a casual conversation with her before.....and ever again.
When i ran out of words, my brain blank out, and she's still looking at me, i do not want it to be awkward again, like how i cause all the misunderstanding months back... I say my final word to her "有缘再见“ dont ask me why this comes out from me, she took a final glance on me, i can see she looked alittle shock too, and reply softly nodding "恩“.
I never mention about msn again, however hard i wish to keep in contact, i must suppress the feeling not to persist any further.. This is the last thing i can do for her, respect her decision.. i guessed. She shake hands and talk to a colleague( whom i felt is the nicest man) in the office before she takes her final leave. I strolled up and down at the corridor, hoping to catch a last glimpsed of her at the lift lobby. And i had my luck, i waved at her, smiling, and she did the same.....
I guess this is how i will always remember her.. The angel i first met 4 months back, on the red bench at the entrance of the office, how i notice her, the smile, the sunshine feeling, how on many occasions i tried to talk to her but words just got stuck. On this very tuesday, i parted with her, an angel whom appeared in my life, without any contacts... Wish her the greatest luck for her uni life, and may the 4 leaf clover blessed her. I might never be a friend to her, but she is always one to me.
Good bye... kx.
Knowing you, my life has never been the same,
for is it fate that give us this chance in life,
to come this close to know of each other existence.
I will never forget, the warmth you brought,
the cheery smile, that lights even the darkest time of my life,
for even if we do not have fate to meet again in life,
you know i will be the first person to meet you in heaven,
the blue man who will tell you how much you changed his life.
I thank you, sincerely, and i will wait for u there.