Today is a great day, as tomorrow will be friday!!! yay, it rhymes crapz. I'm very very tired today, the stress and the fatigue from late night sleep caught up with me. I've reached city hall 15mins earlier than my usual timing today, brought my breakfast at breadtalk and lazily walk to the office.
I saw her and her group at the cross junction near the tower. I then tried to hide behind the lamp pole so that they wont notice me, it sounds silly, but i always am when she's near. Reason being i know they will just avoid me if they saw me, and that hurts alot. I walked slowly behind them keeping a distance, she's in her orange tee with her black dress today(i dont know if these are the correct terms for the clothings),look fabulous as always. They saw me walking towards them in the lobby, as usual, they appeared to not seeing me around. I understand that even if i try to greet them, they wouldnt respond, so i rather not create a cold scene. They then shuffled themselves into the nearest lift in quick steps, and i went to the opposite one, thinking that its better to let them have their private space comfortably without me.
I am trying not to think that much, back to my seat in the office, beside me my friend is already on her table by then, not surprised :x She's such a nice girl, the only one who greets me every morning, a simple greeting makes me happy as i've said, i've really appreciate it :) especially during these dark times of mine.
The next thing that struck me is that my senior went over and told me i've made some mistakes for a piece work the day before, causing one of the fellow colleague to spend the night trying to solve it. I felt bad, its me and my mistakes again, once again in the afternoon meeting i was asked to sit in for a private session. Yea, i was quite in a depression for the whole afternoon. I've tried to work hard for the past 2 weeks, but things that was passed to me doesnt really done well after. This is one of the reasons why am i still not recognized by the fellow team mates. Sometimes i really wanted to quit, but it was what she did brought me to my senses, never give up, things might not go the way you want it to be, but if u give up, it will NEVER go the way you wish.
I think somehow they sensed i am really too stressed out, and they start talking to me in softer tone. I didnt realized i am that till i remember i have not think of her for the whole day, my friend *fainted* after hearing that, haha.. She said she did sensed something wrong with me and thats y she didnt talk to me, i am so pleased to hear that, that she's willing to share how she feels about me. I felt much better, not many knows how i felt, a lonely quiet guy in a new environment without friends, therefore I cherished friends around :)
The worst is over, and its near knock off timing, i am so glad, as i am meeting my dear cousin after work. She's a funny girl who knows me for the past 20+ years but we chat lesser than 10 lines till only recently. I called her to ask when she will be arriving and she immediate asked something that made me laughed out loud, "you sounds like you are calling me to be seen as "just walking pass" you know, are you near her now? "
ahahahaha thats my cousin, she knows me that well, but i didnt do that of course, for this time.
We had dinner at Phin's steak house, a small shop house restaurant very near to my working place. A quite cosy place, food looks appetizing. I ordered a sirloin steak, gentleman cut, medium and black pepper. She teased me, "didnt dare to order the ladies cut right! haha." I must admit this menu is cleverly written, a ladies cut steak is like $5 cheaper and guessed no guys will admit they are ladies.
We had a great chat that evening, chatting about work, what difficulties we had, and she agreed with me, sometimes it just hard to click with your colleagues, dont feel bad and troubled with it. She told me something that sorta lightens me up alot and brought me to my conscious. "Sometimes we need to accept ourselves before others can accept us, there might be no chance between you and her even as a friend, but wouldnt you feel happy for her, if she's happier without knowing you." It might sound a hurtful statement at first, but you think about it, it does make sense, it will be hard to accept the truth, but you have to move on. My friend also told me this before, why make yourself miserable over something you have no control over, it makes you looks too sad and unapproachable at times. Cheer up! Be yourself, be happy, and you might find surprises awaiting for you.
I love chatting with my cousin, she's one of the few people whom i can really open myself to. She's also the type of girl who enjoys chatting face to face, but doesnt like to chat on phone nor online. She told me, actually i sound the same online and real life, just very real me, easy to get along, but selectively only with some people, i can then open myself to. I have to get past my mental block, as i am just too shy to chat with people especially ones i had feelings with, then i tend to say something that doesnt make sense or frozen without words under the nervous situation.
We had a great night, went home straight after our desert which is around 930pm. My mood really lightens up when i gets to open myself to someone.
Looking forward for the next outing with my cousin :)
Real late, sleep time, blog too much. Hope to spend my weekend with my family!