15th of May, A chilling tuesday, sky is gloomy, so is my heart.
Feelings come and go, up and down like the waves, but i just got hit by it, real hard that i can feel it bleeds me.
Early in the morning i was awaken by my damn hp alarm, i tried to wake up but felt so tired, arms were weak. I then remembered i only slept a few hours, was working late these few days, reason being i cant finished my work recently.
I literally sleep my way to work, slept on the bus, mrt, and even walking like a zombie half asleep. I bet people would think i am funny, dozing off now and then even while i am standing on the mrt, at times i almost tripped. Going to work is so tiring, the only thing that keeps me going is the special, someone. Today seems like every other morning, but i was wrong when i saw her sitting alone at the table. Might be a rare chance for me i thought, maybe its really a good day. There are alot of complications going around, i wouldnt want to go into details, but it just came to my mind, today might be the day i'm waiting for.
I thought through it, afraid of making mistakes, for then i consult a good friend for advice, and she agreed this might be the chance to do something. I then wrote a simple note expressing the simplest wish of mine on a simple piece of paper, hoping this simple message would bring my simple feelings to let her know, That i just wish to chat with her online once more... I am still thinking for an idea to dont make me look so obvious to the others that i am looking for her, so she wont have any stress from the looks of others. "just pretend to top up ur water bottle la!" my friend said to me, i look at my bottle, water still at its neck, was thinking "yea sounds a nice plan, but first hope i dont choke by over-excited-nervous-stupid-shyness syndrome when i try to finish my bottle of water." I really drank the fastest that i could, could felt at some point the water flowing into me like some form courage, yes i am going to do it, yes yes.
I wait and waited, for the crowd around to clear, eventually a good chance, but i kinda back off by then... hey where is my %@$#%@# courage i thought... damn it, no guts. My friend was yelling, online of cos.. to go! what am i waiting, Christmas? actually i think valentine will be a better choice, k crapz.
I took my note and walk over to the water point (ok thats army term, forgot the English term for office water dispansel). Hands were shaking when i was filling my bottle, almost forgotten it was suppose to be a show. Alright its the moment.. i thought, walking back, towards her. I stood next to her, place the note beside her keyboard looking so funny, seems like a kid returning his stolen goods to the shop keeper. I didnt look at her, for i think i was frozen, i think i look really bad, must be pale and funny looking. Tried to say something but nothing comes out. I vaguely heard a "huh" from her, and feel her big eyes staring at the paper and maybe at me for a sec. I then quickly walk away, sit on my chair like nothing happen. I was thinking, wtf was i doing why didnt i say something. I told my friend what i did, she laughed and say i am funny, but at least i did it i think..
Work was what came along, work and work and work, i didnt have high expectation of any replies, but i was hoping all along, think she might just drop a note when she walk pass. Maybe just fold in together and drop like a litter? no i dont think girls would do it like that, then i think again, if she really wanna reply wouldnt it be too difficult for her. For i think like approaching a guy doesnt seem the way to do it. For a few moments i was staring at my msn, hoping her nick will just appear again. Time goes by , work and work and work, past lunch, my work still not done, so i skipped lunch, hoping that it might be a good chance actually if i were alone, and she happened to come back seeing me there, more comfortable to drop anything? My hopes gone really low after that.
Time past very fast, as i finally finished my work, i heard a piece of news, that she 'll moving away...giving the present seat to a new guy coming in tmr. It kinda shocked me... really did... i knew it was coming someday, but i never expect it this soon. I was lost, kinda blank out.
Suddenly stress caught over me, couldnt concentrate in whatever i am doing. Was going to edit something, but i actually edit a different file and checking on another file for changes. All the other colleagues knocked off after that, i was supposed to stay for OT to finish up some briefs that has to be done tomorrow. I just couldnt concentrate... trying to do something, but it seems like i haven done anything, time past just like that its 8pm already, and i still have not start on anything. I then think i should go home rest, for nothing can be done with this state of mind.
Here i am writing this, haven had lunch, way past dinner, head is really heavy, i just feel like ranting something. You might be wondering why am i letting this secret out, i am really blowing up soon, and for i know she wouldnt find this place either, even if she did, i duno... i guess maybe she might find out something diff from what shes feeling from here... this is just a place for quiet people like me to rant. going to sleep now, headache is real bad...... or is it my heart.
Tomorrow will be a new day, a day without something to look forward to, but i still have to move on, and hoping something will happen....